Friday, May 13, 2011

Guest Blogger: Lee Ann Story: "Getting Older is Stupid"

Well, I have tried to resist it as long as I could. I have ignored it … fought it … whined about it … written melancholy poems about it …done much wailing, arm flailing and gnashing of teeth over it … but I can no longer deny it.
            I am getting older.
            Now, I suppose I have only a couple of avenues of coping left – 1.) Cover it up and tell everyone I’m 30 for as long as I can get away with it, or 2.) Die.
            I much prefer option number one.
            Me and Miss Clairol have become BFF – Best Friends Forever! I can’t believe I am looking at anti-wrinkle creams. When did I start to care about moisturizing? Do I really want to discuss fiber and/or laxatives with my date? Why do I find myself compulsively doing it, anyway?
            I used to get tired when I exercise. Now, I get tired watching exercise. (I also get tired just thinking about exercise, but I don’t like to talk about that to others. It makes me look like a slug with blue eyes and hair.)
            I don’t want to exercise, but I have noticed an odd squishiness settles in on the ole muscles when I don’t -- so much for the youthful retention of muscle mass despite lack of exercise.
            I have a friend who is older than me. He recently bragged that he had Poptarts for breakfast, but they were whole wheat Poptarts, so that was okay. This is also the same friend who will eat a whole box of Go Lean Crunch cereal – a healthy, fiber-packed cereal – and then complain about his “gassiness.” (I won’t go into the details. Suffice it to say, he explains the whole experience rather colorfully.)
            When did whole wheat Poptarts get to be a healthy choice? Who thought up “whole wheat” Poptarts, anyway? What is the world coming to?
            When did I turn in my sexy, strappy high heels for something more sensible? Why do people look at me funny when I tell them my favorite cereal is Count Chocula or Cocoa Pebbles? Why am I suddenly drawn to any advertised product that declares itself to be “age defying?”
            My only answer to the aforementioned questions is – getting older is stupid.
            It is stupid when I am more worried about taking glucosamine for my joints than I am about what I am having for breakfast. I know I am getting older when I just about have a fit because I am out of fish oil capsules!
            The whole concept of getting older, wiser and mellower is stupid when one’s body breaks down in the process. The irony is astounding!
            I have decided to rebel in the only feeble way I can. I will pretend aging doesn’t exist. I will cover up as many signs of it as possible and will remain 30 as long as I can get away with it.
            Age will not defeat me! I will live to fight another day! (Insert dramatic image of me raising my fist in mixed rage and triumph here.)
            Seriously, getting older is not really all that bad. I like who I am more than I ever did before. I think my mistakes have taught me valuable lessons and I think gray hair is attractive … on other people, of course. I wouldn’t know. I’m only 30.